A few ‘firsts’

Random fact: I took my first dance class when I was six years old. I’ve been dancing with myself (and a partner) ever since.
Today we will document a few firsts that may or may not go in your child’s baby book. If you even keep a baby book, which I have attempted and failed at. Maybe you are better than me at that. Be that as it may, here are a few things you may want to document so you can laugh at them later.

1. The first time your child hits another.  While your first reaction may be to act appalled, really this beginning stages of assertion is a moment you should be proud of. Your child is merely showing you they are going to be a strong leader. And they will lead with an iron fist. Warning: Other parents may look at you with judgement but you can rest in the fact that your child is going to be a power player.

2. The first time your child poos in the tub. Again, you may be in horror. However, this occurrence can be documented for the future (picture, journal entry, blackmail). It is an excellent source of embarrassment for your youngster. Especially when they are teenagers. It’s an ace in the hole so to say. For example, if your darling baby grows up to be a surly teenager, you can tell this story to his/her future mate. If you don’t, and there are siblings around you can be sure they will retell this glorious tale with relish. You can use this story to weed out those that would not be worthy of dating your teen. If they can’t stomach a little poo story, maybe they should date someone else.

3. The first time your child falls down a few stairs. This is merely your child trying out his air walking skills. Not all children have them so don’t be disappointed if your kid just falls down. And the resulting goose egg gives you the freedom to have creative license when retelling how the injury occurred. As in, a squadron of ninjas attacked us on the way to play date. Or Little junior has a Siamese twin

4. The first time your child throws up in public. This is entertaining to watch the crowds reaction. Your child has the amazing ability to cause an entire restaurant of people to instantaneously gather in one place. Usually, the corner that’s farthest from you. A puking child can sometimes garnish you some free stuff as long as you get out of the eatery, ASAP.

5. The first time your child throws a fit in public. This is the time you get to practice all that yoga/lamaze breathing you learned in child-bearing class but didn’t use because the epidural was so nice. Or was that just me? Anywho, here is your opportunity to show everyone what a great negotiator you are. Or maybe how fast you can make it to your car from the grocery store.

There are a few first I never found in the baby books I have bought but not filled out for each of my children. What are some firsts you weren’t ready for?

*any and all comments made are completely satirical.




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