Bible Verse: “The Lord is enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever. The Lord gives strength to His people….blesses His people with peace.” Psalm 29:10
I haven’t been writing much. I could make a lot of excuses about my routine being all messed up and life getting crazy, but that’s what they are, excuses. The real reason I haven’t been writing is because I don’t want to live out the message I have been telling you for the past ninety posts. It’s uncomfortable for me to let go of my pain. I can talk a big game about needing one another and reaching out for help. But when I get to this place where the darkness is coming over my thoughts and the sun is fading from view, I tend to shut down. I wrap myself in layers of anonymity. It’s a defense mechanism I learned a long time ago. It’s hard to let go of things that bring me comfort. Even if in the long run these things could bring me harm.
There has been a stirring going on in my soul. In my spirit, there is unrest. I have a large elephant stomping around in my mind. It’s forcing me to acknowledge some truths about my past that I don’t want to see. Like Jonah and his mad dash away from Ninevah, I’m doing everything in my power not to acknowledge that there is work to be done. I know that on the other side of all this pain there will be beauty. I know that God is with me and He has provided beautiful women (and a few exceptional men) to come along side me. But this hurts. This is hard stuff I’m dealing with. And it would just be so simple to keep on pretending to ignore the issues.
But I can’t. I can’t live this lie of omission anymore. I can’t keep going forward pretending everything is fine. This ostrich act is suffocating me.
I have been here before. Hiding behind my distractions and avoiding the truths. Like a game of hide and seek, I know my God is looking for me. Calling for me to come out and stop the games. It’s time to get down to business. So that is my confession to you. Hold me accountable, blog o’sphere. I can’t do this work alone. I’ve tried that, I don’t get very far walking alone thru the darkness. I stumble and trip. I get and give more wounds than I do healing. I need your lights shining around me so I can see where I’m supposed to go.