It’s hard

Random tidbit: I’ve been eating gluten-free for about a month now. And it really helps with how I feel. What we eat affects us.

It’s hard right now. It’s hard to do a lot of things. It’s hard to admit things are hard. Because more than anything, I don’t like to admit defeat. I never saw myself as a go-getter, as a scraper. But I’m finding I am. But that I fight about what doesn’t matter. And I try to keep things close that should be let go.

So here is my confession of what’s hard.

It’s hard to get up and exercise. Because I would rather eat brownies for breakfast and sleep in.

It’s hard to be gracious with strangers because I have so much of my own hurt and pain, I can’t see theirs.

It’s hard to parent fairly because I have little to no resources for my sweet little cherubs because most of my emotional energy is being spent working on my issues.

It’s hard to be kind to my husband, because I can’t even be kind to myself.

It’s hard to go to church because I always seem to be the one crying in the pew during the worship songs.

It’s hard to sing worship songs because I have doubt about my faith.

It’s hard to admit I have doubt about my faith in God.

It’s hard to say I have depression.

It’s hard to think I might need to be on medication for my depression.

It’s hard to keep explaining why things are hard.




7 thoughts on “It’s hard

  1. Michelle M. says:

    I think it is important that you are able to voice all of this. You are taking a step in the right direction. Admitting that you are struggling is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. Prayers for you!

    • Thanks Michelle. For so long this has been about hiding. Hiding the secret, hiding behind rules, hiding my true self from others for fear they won’t accept me. But now it’s time to be in the open with truth. Thank you for your prayers. 🙂

  2. lovedandfavored996 says:

    Sending hugs your way and a prayer to keep on keeping on!

    I can relate to this post; especially putting the name to the actual depression but I was so desperate because my past (unknowingly) was flooding into the present and it was affecting my entire outlook about my life, my family, the people in it.

    I’m praying for you- for courage, for clarity in your next steps, for grace for yourself and that you’d you able to receive gladly and without shame. You are the King’s and He has orchestrated everything in it’s time for His eternal purposes.

    The pain and hurt are so raw. Let Him tend to your wounds. I wish I could say that you only go through grief once, but I am finding that each time I think in it or if it’s brought to mind, that it becomes a little less painful than before.

    There is an honesty in these pages that would not otherwise be there without these trials.


  3. […] been two weeks since I wrote this post. It was me being honest. And you could see my struggle with depression. That’s a weird word […]

  4. Beth Zapf says:

    I thought *I* was the only one who cried during worship songs.
    Sidenote: WHY aren’t there boxes of kleenexes at every pew??

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