It’s been two weeks since I wrote this post. It was me being honest. And you could see my struggle with depression. That’s a weird word for me to type. But there it is. If I look back over my life I don’t know that I have always had depression, but there definitely have been seasons where I have been depressed. And I have been so thankful to have people who could speak into my life and steer me towards the help I needed. Both spiritually and mentally.
There I was, in the depth of my despair. Closing off and lashing out at the same time. Keeping everything bottled up inside and just wanting to escape all of my hurt and pain. I get so mean when I’m depressed. And my sweet sweet man wouldn’t let me stay closed off. Even when I lashed out at him. He kept telling me to call my therapist and talk to her. I have amazing friends who told me to go see my primary care doctor and get some medication. Then they don’t stop checking in on me.
I have a God who even at my lowest and most doubtful point still bombarded me with messages of His love for me. This love that I have never truly accepted as for me because of my sexual abuse. Because I’ve always seen myself as less than. As someone playing a church girl part, afraid someone might move the curtain back and find out its just a frightened little girl trying to protect herself.
At the end of probably the darkest point of my depression we went up to see my family. It was a good time. I had a conversation with my mom and she spoke some words that released a lot of the hurt I had been holding on to. When those words came over me and went down into my soul it was like a heavy chain fell off of me and onto the floor where it dissolved into nothing. I felt like I broke through a spiritual barrier. The next two weeks were amazing. I had such love lavishly poured out on me from God. I couldn’t turn around without His amazing grace and care just washing over me. Every song I heard and Facebook status I read was about God loving me and caring about me. It’s been amazing.
But this isn’t just a sprint. There’s a lot more work to do. Stuff I didn’t even know I have been holding onto keeps coming up in my group therapy sessions. So I keep going to group and talking with my therapist and asking my people to pray healing over me. I have an assignment from my therapist that is gonna be hard. Truth be told, I’ve been avoiding it because I’m really liking this little hilltop of love I’ve been standing on. So pray for me friends. Pray for me to remember this love and grace and that God IS big enough to handle all of it.