I wasn’t sure what to write today. It’s been so long since I knew what to write, I thought maybe I should just scrap this all and give up. Because I tend to do that when things get hard. Just walk away. Hobbies, jobs, relationships, life. When things tend to get hard or messy I have been known to walk away. It’s not usually a choice, so much as a compulsion. I don’t want others to not like me. So I will often get out before things get to real or honest.
I’ve missed out on a lot of life because of that. Some things really can’t be left. Like my husband. And my kids. Life isn’t meant to be lived looking back. It’s not meant to be run away from. There are things that happen in the mess that can only be seen when I am present there. I am learning that. I am being changed. It’s a hard road. It’s hard for me, my husband, my family. I have to stay here and believe it’s worth it. Because I have seen the cost of thinking something wasn’t worth doing and that price is to high to pay this time.
When I opened up my WordPress account today, I found this article. There’s a lot of fluff and stuff to sort through, but there were also some really great things that spoke to me this morning. Here are a few quotes:
“Change always requires something from us. Time. Learning new habits. Abandoning “ease” to take on a season of planning and structuring for the new. Giving up or giving in or doing away with or adding onto, it all takes work to arrive at a new normal. Sacrifice.” -Heather Spring
These are the questions that Ms. Spring is asking of herself for the new year. The questions that she hopes will lead her to a new normal. These are the questions she prays to God for guidance. They are good starting place for this new year. Sometimes I can’t see where things are going, and I’m learning to be ok with that. To sit and be steady instead of running as fast as I can away from things. So this is what I will be pondering:
“Will you go without knowing?
What are You going to do with this?”
“If I do this, how’s it going to end up?”
“What are You going to do with that dream?”
Will I go without knowing how things will turn out?
Can I? Will I?”